I decided to take a slightly different approach this week. When people start attacking others for believing in Marriage and the sanctity of marriage, you realize how broken the world really is. The misconception is that most people get divorced because of abuse, that is incorrect. That is the lowest number falling at 3% or less. So let’s look at some numbers and information.
In order to actually get a grasp on this topic we need to really dive in to how it was and is today. Going way back into society, to the beginning. Marriage has always been about securing the family and procreation. That has not changed. How it started and how it is now, however, has changed.
When marriage started (B.C. era), it was not about love, it was about social and economic status. Getting engaged or betrothed consisted of a written contract that both parties had to sign. All marriages were arranged, women were typically younger with men being older. The only way to break the engagement or betrothal was a divorce. There had to be very good reason or you would become an outcast or possibly get stoned to death. Marriage started as being taken very seriously. This is prior to any religion involvement.
Fast forward to the 6th century. Marriages were still arranged during this time. A man (usually the father, if the father was deceased it would fall to an older sibling or possibly an uncle) of one family would present a potential bride to another family, and then they’d negotiate a dowry. The biggest misinformation regarding this is that families sold their daughters. If that was the case the groom’s family would be the one providing the dowry. That is not what happened. The bride’s family would provide the dowry. The dowry was most commonly used as a form of protection for the wife. It was a guarantee of protection from mistreatment by her husband and his family. In this instance, the dowry was used as a conditional gift that is to be restored to the wife or her family if the husband divorces, abuses, or commits other grave offenses against her. When the deal was struck, the men presented the bride-to-be with a ring to celebrate the successful transaction.
During the 12th century, the church started to take a more active role in marriages. The church became more involved in performing the wedding ceremonies and dictating who could get married. Churches prohibited marriage between in-laws, blood relations and families who were linked by the bond of godparent and godchild. The church would often undertake investigations to assure that these conditions were met. This is also when a priest would participate in a marriage ceremony, and it would take another hundred years before the ceremony was actually performed by a priest.
During the 16th century, (which happens to coincide with the Protestant Reformation) men tried to loosen the church’s grip on marriage and put the institution in the hands of the government (which we can see now was a very bad idea). Protestants also changed the rules about marrying someone with the same blood or marrying someone in your spouse’s family. In response, the church dug in its heels and claimed that true marriages required a priest and two witnesses. No matter the religion, however, women were still expected to fully submit to their husbands. Any money in their purse or land their family held was considered to belong to the man (still a dowry thing).
During the 18th century, is when the concept of marrying for love came along. Couples prior, grew to love their spouses over time. This concept was particularly popular in England and in France. Though marriage still required women to cede their property and their income to their spouse, they had a greater chance of giving it to a man they actually cared for. In 1870 and 1882, England passed the Married Women’s Property Acts, which allowed women to keep money they earned and inherit property. This started in the US about 1839. Marriages were still often arranged, but they began to be proceeded by extensive courtships.
The next change came with the invention of the automobile in the 1920s. Dating (how relationships start today) became popular. Dating allowed both men and women to consider a wider range of marriage prospects, rather than settling for someone nearby. During the 1950s, married women became particularly obsessed with having the perfect home, a phenomenon referred to as “the cult of domesticity.” Television programs of the era showed wives and mothers baking pies, vacuuming the home and putting dinner on the table promptly at 6 pm, all while wearing pearls and high heels. This was how it was done, during this time. I personally cannot understand how women did these things in heels.
The rise of feminism (which completely destroyed women) in the 1960s and 1970s brought an end to the “cult of domesticity”. More women began to work outside the home and the idea that married women were expected to be subservient to their husbands was considered preposterous. For the first time, women didn’t feel that they had to get married, and since then, people have been marrying later, if at all. In the United States, the government began to loosen some restrictions about who could get married; the 1967 Supreme Court Case of Loving v. Virginia, for example, eliminated laws prohibiting interracial marriage.
This brings us almost totally current. From the time of humans on this earth, you can see marriage has ALWAYS been between a man and woman. This makes sense because as a human race we need to procreate. This also makes sense because that is how we were created. In 1996, as same sex unions was becoming oddly more prevalent, congress passed the Defense of Marriage Act (they had the right idea at this time). This legislation declared that same-sex marriages would not be recognized for federal purposes, such as the award of Social Security benefits, normally afforded to a surviving spouse, or employment-based benefits for the partners of federal employees. The act also restated existing law by providing that no U.S. state or territory was required to recognize marriages from elsewhere when it had strong policies to the contrary. Within a decade of the federal act’s passage, almost all the states had enacted laws or constitutional amendments declaring variously that marriage was legally defined as a heterosexual institution, that same-sex marriages from other states would not be recognized, or that same-sex marriage was contrary to the public policies of the state.
In 2014, the institution of marriage basically fell apart, when Barack Obama endorsed and somehow unconstitutionally made same-sex marriage legal. In 2022, Illegitimate Biden repealed the Defense of Marriage Act, which got no news coverage. So you should all be very upset by this. He replaced it with the Respect of Marriage Act.
Now let us look at the divorce rates: They say gay couples have a divorce rate of 19%, with female couples having a 34% rate of divorce. Considering they only started to get married about 10 years ago, this number is extremely high. In 2019, the Census bureau reported 980,000 gay couples. Out of that number 58% were married. With a 16% divorce rate, that puts the number at 90,944 divorced. Of those, 30,921 are women couples.
Now let us look at actual marriage rates for hetero couples. The same year, the total divorce rate was 27%, subtracting the percentage for gay marriage divorces, you get only 11%. This institution of marriage has been going on since the dawn of time. Our divorce rate is substantially lower, even considering the time frame.
Lets look at the reasons people get married today AND the top reasons for divorce. According to Forbes, people who got divorced say that the main reason for marriage was financial stability. The lowest was because of societal and familial pressures. See the info below.
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Now let’s see the reasons for divorce. Number 1- lack of familial support and at the bottom, pursuing different lifestyles. The people I have talked to think it is because of domestic abuse, which you can see is only 3%. Affairs being number 2. See the chart below.
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Let’s look at some more interesting tid bits of factual data.
- Those who divorced quickly were more likely to end their marriages because they discovered they couldn’t get along. In fact, 59% of people who dissolved their unions within the first year of marriage cited a lack of compatibility. (This sounds like they didn’t have a very open and honest relationship. This could have been corrected quite easily.)
- A lack of family support became a bigger issue, as time went on. It was the leading reason for divorce among those who ended their marriages within years two through eight.
- Finally, long-term couples were generally prompted to divorce by very serious issues, with infidelity and a lack of intimacy causing most divorces once a couple had been married for nine or more years. (Lack of intimacy could have easily been corrected, by communication and taking time for each other, which would most likely have prevented the infidelity.)
When we look at the type of conflict that was in these marriages, turned divorces, it is very easy to see that it could have been worked on. Top conflict is career choice. This should not break up a marriage. They clearly never talked about goals or anything pertinent in their relationship. When you are married, everything (and I do mean everything) becomes a joint decision. To not discuss these things in your marriage, is ludicrous. The last one on the list was health choices. This one is probably the most superficial reason I have ever seen to get a divorce. You know how they are when you are in a relationship. You choose to marry them, meaning you love them for everything including their poor or good health choices. Finances used to be number one, so to see this shift is crazy to me. These are all so superficial. All of it can be fixed or worked on.
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Only 5% of all divorced couples said that their relationship could not be saved! This proves my point. Number 1 thing that could have prevented their divorce was a better understanding of marriage and the commitment. This used to be common knowledge. Marriage is supposed to be for your whole life. So to say you did not understand that is just ludicrous to me. It is THE biggest commitment someone makes in their life, other than becoming a parent. As I read this list, it is so clear that people did not have meaningful relationships and literally just jump into marriage. This was never a thing until probably 2000s. Us Gen Xers (1965-1984) Know full well the commitment of marriage. It seems that the Y gen and millennials have no concept. This is clearly a parenting fail and societal fail.
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As someone who has only ever married once AND made it past the 10 year mark, I can tell you marriage is hard but it is also so rewarding. With open communication, honesty and love couples can get through anything. Also the willingness to compromise. Marriage is also all about compromise and 2 personalities merging. What does that mean? It means you both change together. I recommend a long engagement. My husband and I got engaged at 8 months and married at 3 years and 9 days. More him than me, but he made sure he was ready and could commit. Marriage means waiting for your spouse to be ready to get married and make the commitment, understanding the commitment and taking your time. You literally have your entire life. Divorce is only acceptable in 2 instances, continued abuse and adultery. Anything else can be fixed. Also get married for the right reasons, not for dumb ones, just saying.
Stay tuned for more enlightening information. I will bring you topics that range all over the place based on things that occur in society. I feel like society in general is important to understand, as well. It literally explains so much about the politics behind it all. People need to keep the sanctity of marriage and take their vows seriously. This year my husband and I will be celebrating 18 years together and 15 years married. We officially made it past another major milestone. That is something to be proud of. Do not let anyone take away your success because they are hateful and jealous. Real marriages stand the test of time. Real marriages last. Haters will always hate. It is truly sad that someone would try to bully someone or hate on them for doing something positive and being successful.